DAY 1: 2:28pm

The voices are at about a 5 right now,I was seeing shadows earlier tho, they dont scare me anymore neither do the voices, I kinda wonder if they were gone how would I handle that, I’ve had them since I was a little girl, the mental hospital said that they became my life long friends when my dad was molesting me at night, maybe thats why they are worse at night. Anyways, I didnt sleep very well last night just woke up in a lot of pain also been having trouble breathing again probably my congestive heart failure. I really need to do the dishes its my turn but I dont think I am going too, I just aint in the mood to do them. Ive been in a really bad place since yesterday,I got messages from my youngest daughters phone saying that she didnt want to come live here with me and my husband anymore and she wanted me to get a divorce, at first I really thought it was her but the more the convo went on I am pretty sure its her controlling,abusive,narcissot, Dad everything that was said sounded exactly like some stuff he would say to me, so I wrote her on Instagram asking if it was her she hasnt been able to see it yet, if it was her I will be completely empty souled the message was at the end that she wanted nothing to do with me and for me to just leave her alone so if it truly was her I will be absolutely fucking heartless, and see in situations like this is when my FRIENDS like to bother me and tell me all this bad shit and actually convince me that I am that monster her dad tells her I am. Well I think I am done for now, but if I need to write again later I will be back…XoXo Diamond

IRRITATED๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก:::

Ugh I HATE fake people, roommates, constipation!!!

First Fake people well, I hate it when someone acts one way to my face one day of course when I am doing something for then basically when they don’t need me act the complete opposite, like how you going to be in my house, eating my food, using my toilet paper to wipe your shitty ass, my water and hygiene products to wash your nasty ass, sleeping on my couch, using my electricity to charge your phone which u probably use to talk shit about me on with your boyfriend issue #2 roommate… U guys have no respect for me, my husband, OUR HOME, I literally walked in my living room because I was getting some tea and this nasty heffer was sucking his shit under a blanket, well the top of her head was sticking out and the baby was just running around right there while her boyfriend has his head all laid back like they are just on a beach somewhere and he’s in paradise or some shit, to top it off they seen me and the bitch didn’t even stop she just keep on going about her business like I wasn’t even there, like hello hoe this is my living room if y’all want to do that go in the bathroom or wait until night… If my husband would have been home I would of went smooth the fuck off, I just feel like it’s disrespectful… And it took her 4ever so she must not be too good bc he had his eyes closed like he was surely thinking of something else… Then after that she wants to act all brand new towards me so then of course my “FRIENDS” started their shit, and just telling me like, how could she act like that towards you, why does that bitch keep acting like your not even there, and I’m getting so irritated by her fuckn dumb ass laugh, winey ass voice, UGH I WANT TO CHOKE THE FUCK OUTTA HER… Now he’s about to go to work and so she gots her ass laid up on my couch watching my TV all cuddled in laying the baby down so her funky ass can go to sleep… SMDH!!! I try and tell my friends to be quiet but every time she speaks or laughs it’s like they poke me kinda like hahaha she’s still there, what u gonna do…. I really wish I could watch my show on Hulu ugh not til next month when we get new cards, unless we get approved for Verizon which I doubt very highly… Oh and I don’t do well with thinking they are in there whispering and talking shit about me… Ugh it burns my ass… Speaking of ass… Lol I took my poop meds already but it hasn’t worked yet, but my stomach is twice the size as usual it’s so swollen and bloated and uncomfortable eek… Tomorrow is โ›ชโ›ช๐Ÿ’’๐Ÿ’’๐Ÿ’’ I’m excited about that, I’m always excited about the Lord. I don’t know what is going on today or what is causing it but I’ve been seeing tons of shadow people today, outside, inside, light, dark… Ugh I just look away and then look again and 98 percent of the time it’s gone.. Ima try and find something to eat, gotta go to bed early gotta get up early… Will chat later Diamond๐Ÿ’Ž XoXo

Krystal:::๐Ÿฆธโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿฆธโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคฉ๐Ÿคฉ๐Ÿค‘๐Ÿค‘

Today I feel like Krystal don’t feel much like Diamond๐Ÿ’Ž so fat today. Got a pretty decent night sleep, had a amazing night with Hubby, I’m hoping the way he has being will stick around, I’m definitely going to enjoy every second of it… Woke up, took my meds actually changed my clothes๐Ÿ‘—๐Ÿ‘š, fixed my and put on make up ๐Ÿ’„๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ‘‘.. Oh and Chunky is here I’m watching him sleep rn.. 4 some reason I am in a anxiety attack right now tho for some reason… I used this face lotion which bothered my eyes so I took a migraine pill and then something threw me in a attack… Not a horribly bad one but very very dizzy thank god my baby is asleep… Well will get back tonight to let you know how the day went…. Krystal XoXo

The Mind:::

It’s 3:59am and all night I’ve had horrible anxiety and paranoia, It’s beyond my control, chocking the life out of me. I must of made them mad ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก. They are keeping me awake, I hate the dark, I hate night, it’s when they can get evil… It’s also fear of the unknown.. Unknown of what or who is outside, who could be walking down the street, who can I not see but can see me… This my friends is the night of a life as a schitzo… If I could just see a glimpse of the Sun, my favorite thing to see, the anxiety will go down… Today I have to go to the doctor๐Ÿฅ.. And watch the baby.. He is the highlight of my life, he is my purpose for holding it together right now, but once I get back home hopefully soon I will be able to see My Girls. I try not to think about them right now, I try to just think how very soon I will make it right with them and things will be better once I’m home. I will be able to do things with them and see them and smell them, kiss them, love them. The thought of going back home is the best feeling in the world and knowing the person I am today makes it all even better. I’m stronger now, my walk with God is so much more mature now and that is such a wonderful feeling. I can’t wait to be the strong woman I am now and be able to have my life back. God gave me back life he took that devil and demon of addiction away from me. He gave my kids back their Mother, my mom her daughter and A wife that my husband never got that horrible side of me for years. Yes there has been hiccups but for the most part my husband has gotten the best side of me, no other man was ever able to get this ME. I stand firm on my wishes about relapsing, just because other people around me are having issues right now I am so proud to say I’m not. I know what I want to do and don’t want to do, I know I didn’t come this far to throw it all away, I didn’t get this strong to be weak again.. Ty for everyone reading this, I never thought I would actually write โœ๏ธ down my thoughts and let other people know about it, but it feels good to be able to be open and raw for once about these FRIENDS of mine…. XoXo Diamond๐Ÿ’Ž๐Ÿ’Ž

Today:::

Well this is my 2nd post… I’ve been very sick for some reason I am having horrible restlessness bad, Today is a little better, My mood has been complete shit storm.. I have a bunch of bs going on with Paul and is addiction… I never thought the addict I once was would be on the other end of shit, it sucks now I know What HELL my Mom and girls went thru… I miss my girls, I heard they have been hanging out so I am happy for that.. I’m just at a place of idk what is going to happen next, what my next move will be. I know when I get my disability things will be different and I will make completely different decisions then… Well bye 4 now, talk more later… Xoxo